Where there's life

Back on the mainland for a month with the sun still in my hair and on my skin, wondering why life seems so different now. Noticing the air becoming cooler, the sun seeming further and further away. A Ted Talk on why we should smile at strangers pulled me back into Hawaiian life for the briefest of moments and I found myself wondering if this is the reason why things seem so much closer and warmer there. Acknowledgment of another life, the validation we exist and are here to love one another - this should be pervasive and unavoidable in a hospital. Why then do I find such sadness, such alienation, so many alone and crying, so much pain and isolation? A different Ted Talk I saw a while back talked about the amazing power we have as physicians - as people- to heal one another. Not though any extraordinary training and years of education, while this helps us make medical decisions, but through reaching out to one another. Though listening, loving, supporting and simply acknowledging someone's pain. So often acknowledging a feeling, validating it's authenticity and it's normality is all we need to feel healthy again. We should, as physicians, and as people embrace this power. All the time we see people wishing for super powers, admiring super heroes for their ability to save and rescue when we fail to recognize the super powers within each of us. We are capable of so much love and health, so much compassion and kindness - so extraordinary is this power and yet we fail to embrace it. The aloha spirit, namaste - these principles cross lines of religion, ethnicity, economy - the universal truth, the universal love, the core of all that is good in humanity: Hope.

                                Source: http://uthmag.com/hope-the-answer-to-a-perfect-life/

Color me purple

The rain does something delicious to fields of lavender. The drops rinse the plants clean merging the shedding flowers with the wet and renewing earth. I am better at letting go now, releasing myself into my breath and sensing the world both within and around me without judgment. We are perfect and imperfectly so and what's more we are the way we are. To love one's self is perhaps the the easiest and hardest thing for each of us to do. We are born with nothing but self-love and are conditioned to question and judge ourselves by those who question and judge themselves. The questioning can be a beautiful and eye-opening thing - a way of introspecting and analyzing one's behavior, essentially a form of mindfulness. But when we judge what we become mindful of, categorize it as bad or wrong or any of the other opinions we can have about it seems less helpful thus far.

With Light,
Michelle

Mana Mana everywhere and not a drop to drink

History pits urban against rural from the inception of civilization each with their own misconceptions about each other. Yet as with most stereotypes these misconceptions often stem from or are based on reality. Stress levels are higher in urban areas, people are less relaxed and what I find to be most interesting today is the disconnect with nature the closer to "civilization". Each island here has a personality all its own with a distinct cultural and spiritual identity. Without judgment, these are my observations. The farther from the city you get the easier it is to connect with nature, to slow down and breathe, to feel the life force surrounding you. This is not to say that peace cannot be found in the city but it is harder to come by, it is less natural (pardon the pun). We have to work harder to see it and be better equipt to handle a higher level of other people's negative energy - merely because there is more of it concentrated in one place and everyone else is also sensitive to the increasing stress levels. On Oahu, I find the traffic to be perfectly tolerable. In fact, I have been rather enjoying my drives around the island - each day to a new destination to learn something new. I hear constantly about how awful the traffic is and how terrible Hawaiian drivers are (mostly heard from other Hawaiians). Whether it is the perspective of having driven in less pleasant traffic or the grateful feeling I have for being gifted a chance to unwind on my way home from the clinic with a beautiful sun setting behind spectacular mountains these drives here please me greatly. My sister admitted to me the other day, "Yeah, I understand that everything here is beautiful - and it IS, but also... I get it already, it's pretty and I don't want to sit on the highway for hours". But it isn't the highways unnatural appearance or the congestion of people and conglomeration of energy because even on Maui on the Hana Highway which is about as scenic as it gets (insert glorious road side waterfall here) people seem to be in a hurry to get where they are going. We are all in so much of a hurry that we barely see the beauty around us. What is it about an over-active mind that seems to cloud our vision? How can we be surrounded by such magnificence and still be spiritually dehydrated? The Mana is flowing, open your mouth and drink it in.

With Light,
Michelle

A haiku for Haiku

seeking who I am

through waves the sand scraping rough

fresh skin emerges

Photo Credit: Lockwood DeWitt

http://outsidetheinterzone.blogspot.com/

The Universe Within

I am a universe. Like nesting infinities we each are a microcosm living, breathing and expanding within each other and within a larger world. Laws of nature that apply to the universe also apply to me. When something is out of balance the plates shift and an unsteady milieu prepares to devolve into disorder. This is my internal state. I know that when cleaning the house things must get messy before a new order can set in. As things shift and move and redefine themselves it appears though chaos reigns supreme. Is there method to the madness? 

Step 1: Notice that something is off. 

Step 2: Figure out what that something is [this is the hard one].

Step 3: Adjust.

the-enlightened-mind.com

Right now I can feel it bubbling and boiling. I am aware of the sensation and I do not judge it - I accept the situation completely. However, I would like to understand where it comes from. What is it that I need to express? I feel the pressure in my gut and in my throat but I cannot identify it's source... or perhaps trigger. I awoke with it this morning and have been unable to shake it all day despite a glorious hour long meditation in the park under the sun. For that hour I felt incredible. Light and free, breezy blowing through my hair and the warming sun soaking into my skin. I am hoping that a reset push will wipe it clean. After all tomorrow is a new day. 

With Light,

Michelle

Tranformation and Balance

With light,
Michelle

Photo Credits to Jamie Cohen Breneman
Art credits: drramaenlightenmentmd.com; giorjoe.deviantart.com; 

Rising

A practitioner's lament on the status of our collective connection and intuition. Not mine and yours per se, but humanity's. Those in tune with the ebb and flow of nature and the life force can detect shifts that most of us don't see. Perhaps feel is the more accurate sense. Or perceive. Subtle shifts in the weather, the atmosphere, the pressure. Changes in the movement of energy.

Photo credit: Jamie Cohen Breneman

During an acupuncture session today I noticed an interesting sensation. It occurred as the second to last needle was placed on the top of my left foot - a lump formed in my throat. At first I thought maybe I was too relaxed and had just tilted my head forward too much, but after focusing on the feeling for a moment I noticed the lump was moving. It rose through my throat and into my jaw, swirled around in my mouth and into my nose. Warming, moving through every fiber and every bone, a light behind my eyes, then up up up up - a whirlpool at the apex of my skull bubbling and ready to beam from the core.

Photo Credit: carljungdepthpsychology.blogspot.com

With Light,

Michelle

The Last Unicorn

 

The first needle penetrated the skin and a warmth began to flow from my forehead. If I were a real unicorn, it was in the exact spot where my horn would have been. I heard the acupuncturist say, "these first few needles will get your chi moving, just relax." It was immediate - heat rising and coalescing then radiating from within. An interesting and unique opportunity to meditate. I thought of the breath, my body and then was mindful of the warmth, the feeling of a fire rekindled - corpuscular rays breaking out from behind the clouds. It is so easy for us to accept the state we are in without stopping to think that maybe this is not the way, maybe there is a better way, maybe this exhaustion and stagnation is not required of me. Perhaps it is not required of any of us.

Photo Credit: Jamie Cohen Breneman

Guts

To trust in one's intuition is a feat not easily accomplished by most in today's society. We have all been programmed and perhaps bred to trust our frontal lobe. We believe what we can see, what has been proven. There are entire sensory organs that are now essentially disappeared from our species since they have been replaced by an evolving brain. The loss of these instinct-based systems decreases our awareness and stunts our ability to use our intuition. A secondary sensory organ (still found in some newborns) used to function to detect heightened olfactory stimuli. This was useful for smelling food that should not be eaten, and perhaps sensing sickness and pheromones. Now we believe we know better than that and we "think" that we can or cannot eat things - yet food poisoning remains a public health crisis as evidenced by the current outbreak of hepatitis A here in Hawaii. It seems a common trend for humans to think we are more evolved than we are, or more intelligent than we were made to be.


A wonderful woman, student, and teacher of Hawaiian herbal medicine reminded us today that it is our intuition that connects us to the earth and to each other. We ask for permission to use plants for medicine, to take from the earth. We ask for guidance from our ancestors, the spirits that journey with us. If we are listening, we have so much help out there... why do we feel like we are above this? This is not unique to Hawaiian spirituality. Whether you ask God or Jesus or Mary or Mohammed or Buddha or the source or the universe for guidance, prayer and the acknowledgment of those who paved our way, those who came before us and made sacrifices on our behalf, is an often unifying factor. I have known surgeons who prayed before operating, asking for their hands to be guided in healing. This is no different than asking that we be directed towards the right flowers or roots to make medicines. Our secondary olfactory organs would have perhaps been very helpful here as well.

I have to wonder if things wouldn't be easier if we would truly listen to the voice inside us saying "Don't do that. Don't eat that." or "This is the right place to be, wait here". So often we kick ourselves for not doing what we "knew we should have" or vice versa. How much happier could we be if we could hear our own voice?

With Light,
Michelle

All Photo credits to Jamie Cohen Breneman

Connection

Photo Credit: Jamie Cohen Breneman

On a boat along the Na Pali coast on a windy day I found myself sitting alone on the back of the boat - just how the seats worked out. Or was it? It occurred to me that I often isolate myself. The truth is that banal conversation, talking about beer or weather... I find it more draining than uplifting. Most of the time, I'd rather close my eyes and enjoy the wind. And this is what I did.

At some point I opened my eyes and looked towards the front of the boat only to realize I couldn't see beyond it. I looked behind me and watched the coast get smaller and disappear into the wake of the boat, the spray eventually covering the mountains with heavily distorted scale.

A voice within me whispered, "It's not in front of or behind you - be here now." I turned into the sun and felt the warmth against my skin. I wanted to enjoy the moment and be present with it. Closing my eyes and feeling the spray, I was getting rather jostled. I was using so many things to hold on.. but letting go of the rail and trusting in my body I sat engaged, moving with the boat waiting for the sun to cool and sink lower in the sun.

Photo Credit: Jamie Cohen Breneman

It is amazing to watch the island come closer and move farther away - the perspective and size changing with every wave as we move. The power of nature is something never to be underestimated. Whether it is the formation and shaping of islands by volcanos and earthquakes, the torrent of a hurricane, crashing waves and undertow - there are times when we as humans, despite our desire to believe we can control such things, are left to gape in wonder at how much strength is contained therein. Looking at the stars at night or staring up at the rugged and raw coast of Kauai, I can't help but feel gratitude and respect for life in all its forms and magnitudes. There is no small and big, no better or worse, we are all connected. 

With Light,

Michelle

efiL decnalaB A

I truly believe that people come into my life for a reason and this doesn't exclude patients. Perhaps life comes into my life for a reason... Perhaps there is something I need to hear that day, a shift in perspective that I must experience or a question I forgot to answer revisited. I love when I have the time to sit and talk with patients as I could do so for hours and what's more I feel like sometimes that is more medicine that anything, for both the patient and myself. Knowing we are not alone in the world - that is powerful! It is when we feel most isolated, when we feel that our life is not what it "should" be that we are unhappy - but seeing that life is life and it is so for all people regardless or place, status, religion, political stance, it unites us. No longer are we isolated, lost in our self but invested in each other and propped up by our similarities - our shared experiences, our ability to love and comfort each other. Otherwise I could google the recipe for a healing tea or teach myself the acupressure points and perform shiatsu on myself. Aside from the physics behind shiatsu that necessitate leverage and angle to apply the appropriate pressure, like all forms of massage and all form of healing it is not something that can truly be administered to one's own self.

What I love about the Complementary and Alternative medicines I have experienced thus far is the shared experience between the healer and the healing. It seems to me that those desiring healing are more open to a truly equal relationship with their healer. It is not that they don't respect them but rather they respect each other enough to acknowledge we are all on an equal plane. Each of us possesses different knowledge, yes, but we work together for the good of all - this reminiscent of pieces of the Aloha Spirit Law. When we work together we can create something greater than either of us could do alone.

I heard acupuncture and Chinese Medicine described as "more philosophical" than Western medicine from a woman I will liken to Patch Adams. Her view on comedy and laughter as medicine rivals the best and her love and caring for her patients is clear in each interaction she has with those to whom she offers treatment. The herbs for the teas are prepared with incredible aesthetic beauty.

Each herb placed with intention, spices drizzled and draped creating a symphony of texture and scent. The more I learn about yin and yang the more questions I have. The idea of balance is not unfamiliar to me, but the scope of it and the idea that every thing has its complement and can therefore be out of balance causing physical, mental and emotional distress is the area I am becoming more and more fascinated by with every passing day.

I'm not entirely sure why any of this surprises me. Deep down I understand the balance required - even on a cellular level- for the efficient and healthy life. Pro-inflammation and anti-inflammation. Pro-apoptotic and anti-apoptotic. The body is full of cascades that are meant to be in balance. And a tipping of the scales in one direction or the other results in a disease state. Isn't this the same thing? Again I find it fascinating and wish to note that different names for the same thing if in a different philosophy are found inherently other and unequal. How is this the case?

With light,
Michelle

Aloha Spirit

The Aloha Spirit Law, the first part of which was included in the first entry of this blog, continues:

"These are traits of character that express the charm, warmth and sincerity of Hawaii’s people. It was the working philosophy of native Hawaiians and was presented as a gift to the people of Hawaii.

           * Aloha is more than a word of greeting or farewell or a salutation.
           * Aloha means mutual regard and affection and extends warmth in caring with no         obligation in return.
           * Aloha is the essence of relationships in which each person is important to every other person for collective existence.  
           * Aloha means to hear what is not said, to see what cannot be seen and to know the unknowable."

Aloha is proposed as the solution to the emerging spiritual strife and discord of modern existence.

This last line is perhaps my favorite but also perhaps the most abstract - most of us can wrap our minds around collective existence, mutual regard, kindness to each other and the self... but what about hearing what cannot be heard? It doesn't say the unhearable which is an interesting and I would suppose an intentional choice since the unsaid can still be heard but it requires the use of the rest of the senses -a form of compensatory synesthesia perhaps? Or maybe a suggestion to use the force, the aloha as a sixth and unifying sense. Perhaps it is my eyes now looking to see it and also offering unconditional kindness to as many strangers as possible but there seems to be a higher percentage of warm loving individuals here. It could be that if one sends out kindness and refuses to accept negativity or allow the anger and fear of others interrupt their happiness bubble things appear remarkably beautiful. 

Dali, Dada, Daoism

Who decided that Western Medicine and Chinese Medicine were separate to begin with? I hear about the duty we have to merge the differing forms of medicine and have to wonder where and when someone decided that they were separate. Merriam-Webster defines medicine as  "the science and art dealing with the maintenance of health and the prevention, alleviation, or cure of disease". Isn't that what each of us is trying to do? Which form of medicine we practice is like asking an artist which movement they belong to. Cubism may look different from Impressionism but they are both art, they are both equally valid, they both require use of medium and a surface to put it on - they have the same components with the same end. In medical school, they teach us not to speak ill of our colleagues yet somehow it seems to only apply to practitioners of Western medicine. How dare we diminish any form of medicine? People seem to be attached to their school like a religion believing in their gods and forsaking all others. As with religion, I find it short-sighted to not consider all religions, all philosophies, all arts to be intersecting and co-existing, perhaps even exactly the same with different names - meant to confuse us and keep us from realizing the full potential that medicine or spirituality or art and transcendence are meant to bring. Imagine - JUST IMAGINE what we could do with all the tools of all forms of medicine at our disposal?! What good could we do, how many people could we heal? What disservice do we do our patients by being closed-minded to the possibilities? If there is something that could help my patient and I fail to provide it, have I not done them harm? 

"Autumn Story" by Jose Roosevelt

Sand Angels

The drive to Ka'ena Point was worth it. It's the second time I've been and it's been relatively quiet both times - the entire reason I went. I started the day in Kailua so I headed first to Lanikai beach but it was rather busy and I was hoping to find some quiet sand. 

Photo Credit: Michelle Cohen

As I was sitting in the warm sand watching the waves crash on the rocks I found myself frustrated at my level of distraction. I was actively trying to be connected to the earth, to feel the sand and the splashing mist of the water but I couldn't seem to clear myself and focus. A group of high school kids was playing on the crag and getting pushed against the rocks by the waves and I felt my anxiety level sky rocket. I didn't feel comfortable closing my eyes -I was prepped and ready to have to rush over and resuscitate someone or tend a head wound. I got up and moved just far enough that I couldn't hear them - not because I didn't want to save them if it was necessary but because in the case that it was necessary someone would scream loud enough for me to hear 10 feet away. In the meantime I wanted to zone into the water.  But I couldn't seem to do it. I gave up and laid in the sand and starred up into the sky - so blue, cloudless. 

Unsurprisingly when I let go I realized I was already connected to the earth, I didn't need to try so hard. It isn't something to be forced but perhaps more recognized - something to be aware of. I could feel each grain of sand against my skin and yet there was no distinction between us. Like so much of what I experience these days, this isn't something to be consciously attempted when free - it's a way of life. 

Photo Credit: Jamie Breneman

I Can See Clearly Now

Photo Credit: Unknown

I had never found m¥ way to the rain. I wondered today why it is so distasteful to many. I remember hearing and even saying, "what an ugly, nasty day out!". Yet rain is a beautiful thing and it is part of life. It is cleansing, refreshing. It is required for new life and the sustaining of existing life. It changes the colors of everything it touches - making greens more green. I took the opportunity to do a walking rain awareness meditation and then relax on the beach and watch the rain water fold into the waves. The gentle misting was cool on my skin and it fell with rhythm. I imagined the rain washing away my negativity: my judgment, my assumptions, my fear, my anger, my guilt, my deceptions, my impatience, my insecurities. They cascaded into the earth leaving behind all that is good in me: my love, my gratitude, my creativity, my strength, my open-mindedness, my courage, my integrity, my health, my joy, my peace.

With light,
M

Living Aloha

Aloha and Welcome!

For a month I am living in Hawaii, here studying complementary and alternative medicine. As part of my study I have been asked to keep a journal of sorts - a combination of my thoughts and feelings about my experiences and my progression through a month of meditative practice. I started this almost a week ago and then decided to move it here so I can include music and images. This first entry will be sort of an amalgamation of the previous offline entries so as not to lose any thoughts in the transition. These are my feelings and opinions and the interpretations of my reality as I experience it. According to The Aloha Spirit Law: 

"Living Aloha is the coordination of mind and heart within each person.  It brings each person to the self.  Each person must think and express good feelings to others.

Akahai, kindness to be expressed with tenderness;
Lokahi, unity, to be expressed with harmony;
Oluolu, agreeable, to be expressed with pleasantness;
Haahaa, humility, to be expressed with modesty;
Ahonui, patience, to be expressed with perseverance"

This will be the goal of this month - to live with Aloha, to connect with myself, with nature, and each of the molecules and organisms within my universe. 

Before arriving here my meditation practice consisted largely of mantras or physical meditation, typically either concurrent with yoga or swimming. I have always felt a strong connection to water and find being immersed in it or listening to it move to instill a great sense of peace. My mind wanders less here. Music is much the same for me - waves of sound and waves of water. My sister and I went snorkeling at Hanauma bay very early in the morning. With snorkel in mouth I float face down and watch the sunlight dance along the ocean floor. I listen to the sound of the waves washing over my head and the sound of my breath through the snorkel, relaxing each muscle in my body. 

Photo Credit: Jamie Cohen Breneman, Hanauma Bay

It is moments like these - moments when I look up from the patio on the mountain late at night and can see the dust of the Milky Way, Mars, Scorpio and more stars than I have ever seen in a city - where I think it can be possible to be truly connected to the Earth. This feeling gets so very lost in the day-to-day rigor of medical education, of life - of school plays and deadlines and washing dishes. How do we let ourselves become so disconnected? We put up walls, isolate with our computers or televisions and then complain that we are sad and lonely. The company is here - it's in the fish, the wind, the earth beneath our feet. Perhaps it is this connection I have been most missing in my life. This is the relationship I have been neglecting in spite of the deep and ever-present awareness that it was the one to be fostered. 

I've long known music to be powerful. I have played piano since I was 6 and fell in love with it - the sound, yes, but mostly with the way it made me feel. The way it began to flow through me when I played or the amazing power it seemed to have over my emotions. From a young age I learned that music could change my state though I didn't really understand it at the time and certainly didn't understand the physics behind it. Is it any wonder that music and sound can be used therapeutically? Sound can be used to break kidney stones, bring the catatonic back to life or sterilize surgical equipment - it can literally vibrate microorganism membranes and lyse them. So why do we not think that the same effects may be had on our bodies, that differing frequencies can penetrate our physical, mental, and emotional selves altering them in ways both good and bad. Sometimes I think we get so wrapped up in the pace and the race that we forget about the parts of life that are so simply beautiful and the amazing power that they have. 

Why are we surprised that what we put into our bodies matters? If we are, in fact, what we eat most of us would be disgusted at "what we are". Why then do we eat it? For me, I won't pretend I'm perfect -I don't eat as well as I should and I am very aware of it. I have periods of healthfulness and then I get "too busy" to pay close attention to it. I eat what is convenient and available which at the hospital generally consists of the same salad bar with the same 12 ingredients and that gets boring rather quickly. How, then, can I be mindful of my eating? Where is the time I need to sit and relax and enjoy each bite when there are stokes being had and "every moment counts"? Why is the environment of stress created so much in the hospital? In the hospital, as in life, there are things that must be done rapidly - but I feel these are far fewer than the long list we currently follow. Could we all relax a bit? Be equally mindful and cognizant of the truly important things and let some of the excess worry go? Perhaps we could take better care of our patients this way. 

With light,

M